Sep 20, 2012

The Lightning Effect

I know I haven't blogged in forever, and I know no one even reads this anymore, but I couldn't possibly write this on Facebook, and I have to get it out somewhere, so this is my chosen place.

How many times have you thought you let the love of your life walk out the door? Do I let go too easily? Do I fall in love too easily?

 Maybe I have such a vivid imagination that when I see her, when I find her, I can see our whole life like "BOOM!" It's just there. I know her. From one look, one glance, I'm hers and she's mine. And it happens over and over again- this lightning phenomenon.

I'm never disappointed in her when this happens to me. I never want to leave, never want to break it off, but the moment she starts to back out, I don't fight for her either, and that's the part I can't seem to figure out.

 Do I feel like I don't deserve her? Am I waiting to become a better person? What if I never become a better person? What if I just let a beautiful British redhead walk away from me and I'm never going to see her, touch her, feel her, ever again?

Every time I've locked eyes with someone and felt this thing, this indescribable click in my chest like I'm finally whole- when that person leaves I feel like they were the person I was meant to be with. But then it happens again a few years later. It happened to both of my brothers, but only once for each of them. They married that girl. It's never happened to them again. So what happened to my wiring?

Maybe I'm afraid I'm going to fight for her, only to get bored and leave her later. Maybe I'm afraid of missing out on something better later. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I get in too deep I'll be utterly heartbroken like the first time I fell in love unguarded.

Her laugh was absolutely beautiful.

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