And still you turned away from me. I didn't wake up with you and you rolled away when I tried to snuggle. Instead, I was awake at 6am on my birthday, alone and drunk in the dark in the pool. I watched the sunrise and thought it would help me feel hopeful about the year to come. A new day, a fresh start, a new beginning.
Instead, my new beginning felt lonely, disjointed, cold, shaky, and disappointing.
And now I'm ending the day the same way. We fought, I cried. I'm sitting here and you're sitting over there and you don't want to touch me or be near me and I get worse. Everything gets worse.
The loneliness increases. The feeling that I'm going through this and there is no hope it's going to get better hits and I just sob and sob and sob.
This is what my birthday is this year.
I hate it.
I want to feel better. I want you to love me and hold me and never stop.
I want a lot of things. I don't think I'm going to get them.