Aug 11, 2016

Upside Down/Blame

I wanted to place the blame on others, but it's so clear to me that it's my fault. 

I'm letting these things get to me, break me, twist me until I'm literally sick-

Until I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. 

How could I be so cruel, so hurtful? How could I be so narcissistic to not see how that would affect someone I love? How could I push and push and push when all I want to do is pull closer?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

For a while I just said everything was B's fault. Everything that she did was dragging me down, was ripping me to pieces, was shattering my soul until I couldn't stand in the shower without crying, drive down the freeway without thinking too much and having to pull over and bawl my eyes out. 

But this was no one's fault but mine, and maybe it's been this way for two, three weeks now? Maybe it was my fault the whole time? I don't know. Actually - it probably was and I was too egotistical to realize it. 

I'm digging my own grave. I'm making my own fears come to fruition. And how do you handle the arguement you've been waiting for when all of the sudden you are on the other side?

How do you handle your life and dreams and plans for the future being turned upside down, inside out, until the options are unrecognizable and that's not at all what you wanted in the beginning?

How do you handle losing grip of everything you've ever wanted and it's because your hands are just too weak?

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