This is going to be uncomfortable no matter what, just because of the topic. I read this paper recently on feminist lesbians and the proclivity of thought that lesbians and lesbian relationships are "morally pure" compared to the "deviant bisexual." It was very condescending toward bisexuals in general, and it made me uncomfortable.
I'm not bisexual. I dated boys until I realized that gross feeling wasn't normal. I date, love and am attracted to women exclusively, so I can really only understand the lesbian point of view. I understand being wary and unsettled when it comes to dating a bisexual woman but I think this comes from my own insecurities rather than anything she does. (With exception to the Redhead.)
Is biphobia okay? Is biphobia okay from a group of individuals who have been discriminated against for our gender identity and/or sexual orientation? I admit, it's hard for me to understand how the bisexual orientation works. It's hard for me not to feel threatened by it, or to feel like in a bisexual world I will never be enough. But should that keep me from calling it a legitimate orientation? No. Should that allow me to condescend to those who believe that gender plays no part in attraction or love? No. Should it allow me to call bisexuals "greedy" or "indecisive?" Absolutely not. But I've heard it all said.
It's sort of like how some butches and femmes I meet condescend to me because I'm just "middle of the road." Like, I'm not good enough because I haven't picked a side and don't know where I fit in their dynamic. I'm not "lesbian enough." Bisexual people don't feel "lesbian enough" or "gay enough" or "straight enough" and they shouldn't have to.
It's time we stop being so exclusive and let the bisexuals in, because a lady who likes other ladies is awesome, and if there are boys here and there, so what? If you want to judge her because she's crazy, that's a totally different story. I mean, c'mon, we judge cray-cray lesbians all the time :)
Update: It has just been brought to my attention that I wrote about Biphobia years ago. How interesting to see the difference/similarities in my posts.
I'm still trying to come to terms with my own bisexual identity. It's extremely hard when all of my adult life I thought I was a lesbian. And I used to be one of those lesbians who looked down on bi girls; now I am one. I def feel that middle of the road confusion. I feel left out when I see a group of lesbians and to be honest I miss being a part of that "family". But I know I'm with someone I love and it just happens to be a man. It will never take away my attraction to women or change the fact there have been women I was deeply in love with in my past.
ReplyDeleteJess, lot's of girls go through that. I was good friends with someone a few years ago who was in her late 20s and just beginning to realize her bisexuality. When she started dating men she really missed her lesbian family, but everyone came around eventually and she seems much more comfortable with herself and her life now.
DeleteAhhh bonus points for this post. I've promised a couple people I'd write something about it but I never have finished one or pulled the trigger on it. It's just an uber touchy subject no matter how you look at it.
ReplyDeleteNever dated a boy, never wanted too. Total "butches and femmes" drive me insane for the most part. One day I might be one and the next the other, always seemed like something that should be mood determined and not something you have to be ALL the time. But that seems to be the way it goes.
Soooo, I still didn't touch on the subject. One day ....
Thanks. I'd love to see a full post of your thoughts on this. I understand the need butches and femmes have to identify themselves and create a subculture where they feel safe and respected and glorified, but sometimes the exclusivity of it can be hurtful. It's definitely mood determined for me as well, and sometimes it's more emotional than physical ("feeling butch" rather than "looking butch").
DeleteWhew, that was a lot of grammar rules all in one sentence. Sometimes touchy subjects are the most fun to write posts about. I say pull the trigger.
Good try but that's a post I've started so many times and it always ends with me throwing up my arms and going eff it.
DeleteThis was a great post!!!!! I was in a LGBT gay organization at college. We never singled anyone out. The point of our group was to be supportive of one another no matter your sexual identity.
ReplyDeleteAnd even as a lesbian I have no problem dating a bisexual. If we click and I feel that connection...I'm all for exploring where it goes.
@Kaycee...Guess I would drive you insane since I'm a total femme :P LOL However I will say it's not because I picked a side. It's just who I am as a person. Since I was little I've always been "girly." I never felt when I came out I had to put myself in certain category. As a matter of fact I don't like labels. Why does one have to be Butch or Femme???? Why can't they just be themselves. There are Butch & Femme straight women and they never get categorized. Why do we have to be :S
Anyway...just my thoughts on the matter
Kara XO
I've never been part of a group that didn't view bisexuals as anything other than "lesbian until graduation," and with the same amount of disdain. I guess you could say that I came from snooty lesbian stock. However, I've never been fond of that belief, and as I was treated so poorly when I was questioning my own sexuality, I refuse to treat others that way. I felt so broken and put down and can only imagine how questioning/bisexual individuals must feel under daily scrutiny. I feel like it's unacceptable to put a person under such undue outside pressure. The only person you should have to answer to about your gender or sexual orientation is yourself.
DeleteBisexuals and even women who were married to men and then figured out that we were gay (I’m in that category) are constantly made to feel like we don’t belong in the gay community by lesbians. Exclusivity at its worst. It shouldn’t matter who you connect with, just as long as you are open to connect in a healthy and life-affirming way. Just the taint of being with a man sometime in life is enough to get you blacklisted in the lesbian community and that’s just freaking crazy to me…
ReplyDelete*nods. I can't there wasn't a time I felt that way. Sometimes people feel that way for personal reasons, sometimes because they haven't thought about it, sometimes because they are just idiots and think in an almost religious holier than thou way about it. But yeah, crazy ....
DeleteI dated heterosexually for a long time, so I understand what you're talking about. I feel the need to clarify that I'm a lesbian a lot, and sometimes gloss over all the years that I dated guys because of that reason. When I first came out I was treated horribly by gay and straight people alike. I think that this is an issue that deserves a lot of attention and understanding, and sometimes it's up to us to break the silence and not let it continue for the next group of people who are coming out to us or themselves.
Delete" it's up to us to break the silence and not let it continue for the next group of people who are coming out to us or themselves"
ReplyDeleteI agree with you 100% This was why we were open to every one (LGBT) in our group at college. We were there to support each other and help each other out in any way we could.
I love this post for so many reasons. You've echoed some of my own thoughts on the subject as of late. I really think biphobia is becoming a growing issue in the lesbian community, and let's not forget bi-guys, who many people seem to ignore or even claim not to exist. It's somehow become okay for those of us who've been discriminated against to find another group to discriminate against in turn. That's how it always goes, sadly.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I can also relate to the reservations about bisexual orientation. I love that you were honest about it, while maintaining that it still doesn't give someone the right to judge just because they don't understand. After all, that's the very thing we don't want straight people to do to us. Good food for thought.
And as a femme in a butch/femme relationship, I'm really sorry to hear that other butch/femme lesbians have been condescending toward you. :/ Again, it goes back to the marginalized group turning around and marginalizing someone else, and that's never acceptable. Sure, I embrace my identity as a femme but that doesn't mean it's better or worse than someone who doesn't identify as such. At the end of the day, we're still women who love women and face the same struggles. No one should have to face that crap from inside the community, too.
It's absolutely a growing issue, especially as rivalries and animosity between sub-communities (gay and others) is growing at an alarming rate. Oh, the bi-guys. That is such a hard space to be in and I totally sympathize, however I probably can't write from that point of view.
DeleteThank you - I love that you are so compassionate and emotionally willing to take that on, but you have never condescended to me and I thoroughly appreciate that. You can never speak for others, and there will always be those who exclude and marginalize whomever they can. I know some lesbians who do it to butches and femmes. It's a vicious cycle of exclusivity and patronization that really needs to be stopped.