30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Not a happy one. Sorry.
Babe,
What the hell are you doing? You're spilling out you're whole life into a computer screen and hoping to find what from it? Redemption? Realization? Friends? Love? Community? You have two jobs. You spend all your time taking care of other people, making sure others are safe, comforted, pushed to succeed. What the hell are you doing about yourself?
When was the last time you went on a date? When was the last time you stopped dreaming about great girls and went out to find one you connect with? You're lonely, idiot. You're throwing words into a fiber optic stream to connect with people you share some common ground with, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you're best friend moved away and the redhead is no longer in the picture.
How often do you look at me and tell me that we're not going to do this anymore? That we're going to live the life we want? That we're going to move away and spend our nights in bars with live bands and learn new music and new instruments and go to art galleries and lounge in the grass and fallen leaves listening to the rain with a cup of hot chocolate and maybe perform again? That we're going to work one job with actual hours where you punch a time clock and know your schedule weeks in advance? How often have we said we're going to get the hell out of California?
And we're talking about this again, now, knowing that it's not going to happen soon. This pep talk is doing nothing. Tomorrow you'll see the family and take care of everyone and everything and hear your sister talk about her due date and of course you'll need to be there to help with the other kids and there are so many things which need your attention so you'll stay here, trapped, for who knows how long.
You rescue everyone but yourself. I know you won't do it, but I wish you would.
-30 Day Challenge Complete-
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters. Show all posts
Nov 21, 2012
Nov 19, 2012
Day 28 Changes
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
My fifth grade teacher was a bitch. She made me hate school and I started flunking out and not wanting to do my homework. I was a pretty great student before she came along, so she definitely changed my life. I could be a lawyer or a marine biologist, or a zoologist. Or a cop - I think I'd like to be a cop.
My high school drama teacher changed my life. He gave me a therapeutic outlet when I needed one, he got me into theater, which got me into college, he was the only person who noticed when my anorexia was getting out of control. He founded the GSA club at my school and convinced me that I should join, even before I knew I was gay, though I was a huge gay rights activist at 14.
He grounded me, gave me balance, gave me a safe space to scream and cry when my world was crashing down and then taught me how to rebuild. He could turn a drama class into a playground for two year olds, or send us drifting high above the earth like astral projection. There were no limits as to what our bodies were capable of with him. After college, he gave me a reference for a steady job. He looks out for me, he laughs with me, he tells me to cut the crap when I'm holding myself back. He's everything a teacher is supposed to be.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
My fifth grade teacher was a bitch. She made me hate school and I started flunking out and not wanting to do my homework. I was a pretty great student before she came along, so she definitely changed my life. I could be a lawyer or a marine biologist, or a zoologist. Or a cop - I think I'd like to be a cop.
My high school drama teacher changed my life. He gave me a therapeutic outlet when I needed one, he got me into theater, which got me into college, he was the only person who noticed when my anorexia was getting out of control. He founded the GSA club at my school and convinced me that I should join, even before I knew I was gay, though I was a huge gay rights activist at 14.
He grounded me, gave me balance, gave me a safe space to scream and cry when my world was crashing down and then taught me how to rebuild. He could turn a drama class into a playground for two year olds, or send us drifting high above the earth like astral projection. There were no limits as to what our bodies were capable of with him. After college, he gave me a reference for a steady job. He looks out for me, he laughs with me, he tells me to cut the crap when I'm holding myself back. He's everything a teacher is supposed to be.
Nov 18, 2012
Day 27 Hannah
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
These are getting so hard! Maybe it's because I slammed my head into a slab of concrete when I was a teenager, or maybe I've always been this way, but I don't have the best memory. I can remember every dream I've had since I was 8 with one trigger word, but people, places, events? Holy mother of Cheezits, how am I supposed to remember everybody I've met for one day?
I did go to see a Tegan and Sara concert a few years ago, and a friend let me stay with him and his grandmother. Her name was Hannah, she had been born in Scotland and was in her 80s. I brought her a pot of tulips as a hostess gift, pretty, yellow and capable of being planted outside just as easily as thrown out - rather than cut flowers, which die and have to be thrown away in a few days time.
She loved me. I barely saw her that night before the concert, but was up early the next morning and we talked for hours. She talked about what it was like to live in Scotland before they grew wheat, so she was forced to eat porridge as a girl and abhorred the stuff now. She cherished soft bread and refined flour.
She talked about what it was like to move with her husband to San Francisco in the 60s, watching the city bloom as her husband checked phone lines and she raised the children and learned to paint. She slipped in and out of time, weaving her tale with her Scottish brogue never diminished. She talked about how she'd love to paint the tulips, regal and strong and unbending, and how I seemed to understand her more than her own daughter, who brought flower arrangements spilling over with bushy leaves and baby's breath. She connected with me. And even if I never see her again, it was a few hours where she felt like she could tell her story to someone who cared, who would understand, and I loved being a part of that.
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
I did go to see a Tegan and Sara concert a few years ago, and a friend let me stay with him and his grandmother. Her name was Hannah, she had been born in Scotland and was in her 80s. I brought her a pot of tulips as a hostess gift, pretty, yellow and capable of being planted outside just as easily as thrown out - rather than cut flowers, which die and have to be thrown away in a few days time.
She loved me. I barely saw her that night before the concert, but was up early the next morning and we talked for hours. She talked about what it was like to live in Scotland before they grew wheat, so she was forced to eat porridge as a girl and abhorred the stuff now. She cherished soft bread and refined flour.
She talked about what it was like to move with her husband to San Francisco in the 60s, watching the city bloom as her husband checked phone lines and she raised the children and learned to paint. She slipped in and out of time, weaving her tale with her Scottish brogue never diminished. She talked about how she'd love to paint the tulips, regal and strong and unbending, and how I seemed to understand her more than her own daughter, who brought flower arrangements spilling over with bushy leaves and baby's breath. She connected with me. And even if I never see her again, it was a few hours where she felt like she could tell her story to someone who cared, who would understand, and I loved being a part of that.
Nov 17, 2012
26 Pinky Promise
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
I made a girl pinky promise to do her English homework the other night, but I wasn't promising anything.
I promised someone that we'd die together. I think I was eight or nine at the time, and I couldn't imagine living alone. A car accident, we decided, so that we couldn't grow old and die in a hospital room that smelled like bleach and hurt our ears with high pitched machines humming.
I pinky swore to my childhood best friend that we'd be best friends forever. I promised Ladybug we'd never lie to each other. I pinky promised my grandfather that if he stopped smoking I'd clean up the shop, every day. She moved away, I've never outright told Ladybug I'm gay (I'm terrified), and my grandfather quit smoking for the rest of his life but I only kept my promise for a few months.
I think I do better when I don't involve pinkies.
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
I made a girl pinky promise to do her English homework the other night, but I wasn't promising anything.
I promised someone that we'd die together. I think I was eight or nine at the time, and I couldn't imagine living alone. A car accident, we decided, so that we couldn't grow old and die in a hospital room that smelled like bleach and hurt our ears with high pitched machines humming.
I pinky swore to my childhood best friend that we'd be best friends forever. I promised Ladybug we'd never lie to each other. I pinky promised my grandfather that if he stopped smoking I'd clean up the shop, every day. She moved away, I've never outright told Ladybug I'm gay (I'm terrified), and my grandfather quit smoking for the rest of his life but I only kept my promise for a few months.
I think I do better when I don't involve pinkies.
Nov 16, 2012
Day 25 Paine
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
I can't read that without hearing, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," which then brings me to Thomas Paine's famous quote, "These are the times that try men's souls." Here comes the rant.
Look, there are millions, if not billions, of people who are going through the worst of times. People on the east coast are trying to recover from Sandy, as well as the people in Haiti. Gaza and Israel are attacking each other again. Winter is setting in and freezing the far north. People around the world are homeless, people are sick, people are without clean water, without ample food.
So, I'm not going to talk about my aunt's weird emotional breakdown or my grandma facing my grandfather's birthday and the anniversary of her daughter's death all in one month, or my best friend trying to recover from surgery and feeling isolated from the world. Instead I want us to think about the world and what we're doing to help or hurt. A whole bunch of idiots are signing petitions to try and secede their states from the US. Our country is divided and we need to bridge the gap. This is not the time to rub noses in the dirt, or to withdraw and lick wounds and find a way to avoid those who "won." There was no winning or losing. There were two paths as to how the US was going to travel into the future, and the residents of our nation picked the trail we will traverse, together. Step up and find a way to make it all work. Bipartisanship.
Also from Thomas Paine's The Crisis, "America did not, nor does not want force; but she wanted a proper application of that force. Wisdom is not the purchase of a day, and it is no wonder that we should err at the first setting off." It's been over two hundred years since those words were penned, and while our country is still in its infancy compared to the ancient nations of the world, we should have learned more than this. This is pride and humiliation sabotaging the efforts to build a greater country. Our nation made a choice. You've had your tantrums, now stand up and be productive.
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
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| Washington Crossing the Delaware |
Look, there are millions, if not billions, of people who are going through the worst of times. People on the east coast are trying to recover from Sandy, as well as the people in Haiti. Gaza and Israel are attacking each other again. Winter is setting in and freezing the far north. People around the world are homeless, people are sick, people are without clean water, without ample food.
So, I'm not going to talk about my aunt's weird emotional breakdown or my grandma facing my grandfather's birthday and the anniversary of her daughter's death all in one month, or my best friend trying to recover from surgery and feeling isolated from the world. Instead I want us to think about the world and what we're doing to help or hurt. A whole bunch of idiots are signing petitions to try and secede their states from the US. Our country is divided and we need to bridge the gap. This is not the time to rub noses in the dirt, or to withdraw and lick wounds and find a way to avoid those who "won." There was no winning or losing. There were two paths as to how the US was going to travel into the future, and the residents of our nation picked the trail we will traverse, together. Step up and find a way to make it all work. Bipartisanship.
Also from Thomas Paine's The Crisis, "America did not, nor does not want force; but she wanted a proper application of that force. Wisdom is not the purchase of a day, and it is no wonder that we should err at the first setting off." It's been over two hundred years since those words were penned, and while our country is still in its infancy compared to the ancient nations of the world, we should have learned more than this. This is pride and humiliation sabotaging the efforts to build a greater country. Our nation made a choice. You've had your tantrums, now stand up and be productive.
Nov 15, 2012
Day 24 Memories
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
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| This Taco Bell cup is half the size of my little body |
The first time I remember going to Disneyland I was nine (the first time I was 4) and we went to dinner at Goofy's Kitchen. It's a character dining experience where they come around and say hi, sign autographs and take pictures. Nowadays it's kind of lame, but back then it was just starting out and they didn't push the characters so fast. My favorite Disney movie was Aladdin at that time, and Aladdin came out and sat next to me for 25 minutes! We talked about everything. If he and Jasmine ever fought over the blankets, what the stars are like in Agrabah, what Abu would say if he could talk, if Genie ever gets annoying, if Jafar is scary in real life, if being a Sultan is hard work, if he and Jasmine would stay in love forever. He was so patient with me, never getting exasperated, telling me I would make a wonderful princess because I was beautiful, kind, and thoughtful, taking pictures with me, singing me happy birthday. No other character experience has ever lived up to the magic of that moment.
There's all the hilarious memories of my sister thinking she won the lotto (she didn't), my niece "cussing" at two teenage boys jaywalking (stupid apples!), my other niece at 4 years old, naked and walking around with her hands under her ribcage saying "Ribs! Ribs for dinner!" my brother's "oops, I forgot to tell you I have a kid," text several hours after first son was born. There's the crying memories of Ladybug becoming a Marine, of the Disneyland proposal on Christmas under fake snow and fireworks, of Ellie's wedding and seeing that huge, redneck side of the family again. Then we're back to hilarious, because there were four kegs at that wedding and they ran out of beer. Granted, his side of the family is Italian, but I'm sure our family took care of a huge portion. (Yes, kegs, at a wedding. It was also in a barn.)
Anyway, I've got lots of memories. I'd like to hear one of your favorite memories :)
Nov 14, 2012
Day 23 Kissing
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
There are different levels of kissing. There's the kiss your best friend's mom gives you because you're being great to her baby girl. There's the kiss a child gives you because you just lit up their whole world. There's the kiss your girlfriend gives you and you feel like you can't breathe because your mind is running so fast and you're feeling all the feelings. And there's the kiss that makes your heart click into your chest because you're in love and you've never felt so whole.
My best friend's mom kissed me goodbye when I was visiting them during election week, a nice motherly smack on the cheek which filled me with a warm tenderness. A small child refused to let go of me at work today, as she does every day, because her time with me is considered precious to her. I treat her with kindness, compassion, and respect and give her upset feelings the same consideration I would give an adult's instead of writing them off as a tantrum. Lots of hugs and occasional cheek kisses from that little one.
The redhead and I broke up a while back, so it's been some time since I've had a really great, passionate, all the feelings, kiss. I miss those. I love those. I love the adrenaline, the affection, the happiness, and the heart pounding and the swelling chest and the mile a minute thoughts and the pulse throbbing through my fingertips.
It's been longer since I've had an "oh, this is what it feels like to have my heart stop bleeding because the other half is finally back in my chest" type of kiss. The kind of kiss that can be so simple, so sweet, but so electric, so absolutely against every law of physics and biomechanics that it bends the universe to the lips of two people.
Thank goodness I've got my dreams, or I'd go crazy. I guess if all else fails I can just sit outside a Domino's Pizza and write erotica ;) Did you miss that tweet? Don't worry, it was nothing special. :D
Update: She appeared again last night - the girl I don't know. But this felt more like an early dating phase in our relationship. We were biking down a trail near a large river, filled with people. We stopped to take in the view and she hugged me to her, my head on her chest as she stroked my hair and I traced my thumbs over the skin above her waistband. It was the happiest, the calmest I'd felt in a long time.
A sweet moment, soon interrupted by threats and grumbles from those around us. Uncomfortable and a little afraid, we began to walk until we came upon a precipice with the river far below, and on the other bank a Tegan and Sara concert was starting up. Happy to find an ally, we shouted their names until they noticed us and turned a spotlight on us.
They decided to play a game for our freedom, and two of their stagehands brought us microphones, declaring that we would sing two songs. Thinking they would be Tegan and Sara songs, we agreed, and she started first. It was an old song, and they had changed all the lyrics to make it funnier, but she stuck to the original (something about a "corvette built for two" and "how I love my boyfriend" that she sang to me and made me giggle). I could tell they were displeased. My alarm went off before we ever got to my song. It was a roller coaster of a dream, but all the ones with her in it leave a lingering happy feeling.
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
There are different levels of kissing. There's the kiss your best friend's mom gives you because you're being great to her baby girl. There's the kiss a child gives you because you just lit up their whole world. There's the kiss your girlfriend gives you and you feel like you can't breathe because your mind is running so fast and you're feeling all the feelings. And there's the kiss that makes your heart click into your chest because you're in love and you've never felt so whole.
My best friend's mom kissed me goodbye when I was visiting them during election week, a nice motherly smack on the cheek which filled me with a warm tenderness. A small child refused to let go of me at work today, as she does every day, because her time with me is considered precious to her. I treat her with kindness, compassion, and respect and give her upset feelings the same consideration I would give an adult's instead of writing them off as a tantrum. Lots of hugs and occasional cheek kisses from that little one.
The redhead and I broke up a while back, so it's been some time since I've had a really great, passionate, all the feelings, kiss. I miss those. I love those. I love the adrenaline, the affection, the happiness, and the heart pounding and the swelling chest and the mile a minute thoughts and the pulse throbbing through my fingertips.
It's been longer since I've had an "oh, this is what it feels like to have my heart stop bleeding because the other half is finally back in my chest" type of kiss. The kind of kiss that can be so simple, so sweet, but so electric, so absolutely against every law of physics and biomechanics that it bends the universe to the lips of two people.
Thank goodness I've got my dreams, or I'd go crazy. I guess if all else fails I can just sit outside a Domino's Pizza and write erotica ;) Did you miss that tweet? Don't worry, it was nothing special. :D
Update: She appeared again last night - the girl I don't know. But this felt more like an early dating phase in our relationship. We were biking down a trail near a large river, filled with people. We stopped to take in the view and she hugged me to her, my head on her chest as she stroked my hair and I traced my thumbs over the skin above her waistband. It was the happiest, the calmest I'd felt in a long time.
A sweet moment, soon interrupted by threats and grumbles from those around us. Uncomfortable and a little afraid, we began to walk until we came upon a precipice with the river far below, and on the other bank a Tegan and Sara concert was starting up. Happy to find an ally, we shouted their names until they noticed us and turned a spotlight on us.
They decided to play a game for our freedom, and two of their stagehands brought us microphones, declaring that we would sing two songs. Thinking they would be Tegan and Sara songs, we agreed, and she started first. It was an old song, and they had changed all the lyrics to make it funnier, but she stuck to the original (something about a "corvette built for two" and "how I love my boyfriend" that she sang to me and made me giggle). I could tell they were displeased. My alarm went off before we ever got to my song. It was a roller coaster of a dream, but all the ones with her in it leave a lingering happy feeling.
Nov 13, 2012
Day 22 Hearts on Platters
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Yikes, um, I'm a pretty decisive person when it comes to people. If I want to give someone a second chance, I already have, and if I don't - I haven't. If I change my mind and want to give them a second chance, I will, on the spot, no real thinking about it necessary.
I tend to give my heart away on a platter. If people want to use it, cherish it, destroy it, whatever, I've given it away and that's their prerogative. I give people that choice, but I don't exactly background check the people I give it to. I don't go around making sure the people I meet are good people before I decide if I like them or not. I meet you, I like you, bam! we're friends. Or I meet you, I don't like you and bam! we're not friends.
Anything else and it takes me a lot longer. Ask me what I want for dinner and it'll take half an hour to decide. But people - that only takes half a second. It's a big flaw, I know, but it's a hard habit to drop when I've been doing it since I was 18 months old.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Yikes, um, I'm a pretty decisive person when it comes to people. If I want to give someone a second chance, I already have, and if I don't - I haven't. If I change my mind and want to give them a second chance, I will, on the spot, no real thinking about it necessary.
I tend to give my heart away on a platter. If people want to use it, cherish it, destroy it, whatever, I've given it away and that's their prerogative. I give people that choice, but I don't exactly background check the people I give it to. I don't go around making sure the people I meet are good people before I decide if I like them or not. I meet you, I like you, bam! we're friends. Or I meet you, I don't like you and bam! we're not friends.
Anything else and it takes me a lot longer. Ask me what I want for dinner and it'll take half an hour to decide. But people - that only takes half a second. It's a big flaw, I know, but it's a hard habit to drop when I've been doing it since I was 18 months old.
Nov 12, 2012
Day 21 Impressions
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
I'm not really one to judge on skin color, clothing style, piercings, or appearance in general. Looks can be decieving.
However, when I toured my college campus, I met another boy who was planning on attending. He was a few years older than me, short, stocky, beady eyes, with facial hair groomed intricately. I hadn't spoken with him but was so afraid of him. He had this weird vibe that just screamed "I'm going to rape you" and made me want to hide from him. Eventually, I discussed my uneasy feelings with another guy I had bonded with instantly, who laughed at me.
"What?! Cal? He's gay! Like, so gay!" Oh man, I was embarrassed. This guy I had percieved as a total threat was actually harmless. "I'll introduce you," my new friend proposed.
"Cal, this is Tabby."
"Oh, hey girl! We were in the same group this morning, right? I recognize you. I said my favorite song was Halo, by Beyonce. What was yours?"
"Um, I don't remember. I was nervous. Beyonce is good, though."
"Right? I love her music. Do you listen to Lenka? She's kind of quirky but I like it." He chattered on and made me feel totally at ease. He's definitely not a one trick pony (a stereotype) but he did go on to become one of my best friends. He's one of the nicest people on earth, loves to laugh, enjoys Disneyland as much as I do, worries about his family, is always down for pancakes, is never two faced, sings like no one's listening and dances like he's only got today left.
I'm so glad Omar introduced us, or I never would have gotten to know and become great friends with Cal. He's the person I've been most wrong about, the complete opposite of the vibe he was casting. I still follow my intuition a lot because it's gotten me out of a lot of scrapes, but I've learned it's not everything.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
I'm not really one to judge on skin color, clothing style, piercings, or appearance in general. Looks can be decieving.
However, when I toured my college campus, I met another boy who was planning on attending. He was a few years older than me, short, stocky, beady eyes, with facial hair groomed intricately. I hadn't spoken with him but was so afraid of him. He had this weird vibe that just screamed "I'm going to rape you" and made me want to hide from him. Eventually, I discussed my uneasy feelings with another guy I had bonded with instantly, who laughed at me.
"What?! Cal? He's gay! Like, so gay!" Oh man, I was embarrassed. This guy I had percieved as a total threat was actually harmless. "I'll introduce you," my new friend proposed.
"Cal, this is Tabby."
"Oh, hey girl! We were in the same group this morning, right? I recognize you. I said my favorite song was Halo, by Beyonce. What was yours?"
"Um, I don't remember. I was nervous. Beyonce is good, though."
"Right? I love her music. Do you listen to Lenka? She's kind of quirky but I like it." He chattered on and made me feel totally at ease. He's definitely not a one trick pony (a stereotype) but he did go on to become one of my best friends. He's one of the nicest people on earth, loves to laugh, enjoys Disneyland as much as I do, worries about his family, is always down for pancakes, is never two faced, sings like no one's listening and dances like he's only got today left.
I'm so glad Omar introduced us, or I never would have gotten to know and become great friends with Cal. He's the person I've been most wrong about, the complete opposite of the vibe he was casting. I still follow my intuition a lot because it's gotten me out of a lot of scrapes, but I've learned it's not everything.
Nov 10, 2012
Day 19 Family
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
I'm going to ignore the word "pester" because it has a negative connotation and declares the "good or bad" irrelevant.
My family has been on my mind recently. My very vast, extensive family, and whenever I talk about them people always ask "Are you Mormon?" No, friends, my family is not Mormon - they're Catholics and Mennonites. If you're not real knowledgeable on the Christian scene, you'd say they are pretty much the same thing. They're not, but they do like to have lots of kids.
My family has had strange encounters with Christianity - my uncle was studying to be priest but left and refuses to go to church or talk about the faith, and my aunt used to be a nun, but is now married with lots of grandchildren and is still involved in her local church. When I came out, I had some people react well and some react poorly. A distant aunt or second cousin or something is also gay, but she was disowned, though I still get a Christmas letter from her and her partner.
Lately I've been having dreams of my extended family in the forms of videotapes. Like, I'm watching a home movie (that I've never seen in waking life) with scenes of me as a baby surrounded by this huge family, all laughing and talking and drinking and playing The Beatles and Johnny Cash on guitar. It's this din of tons of voices all mixing together, bottles clinking and children giggling, and the sleepy look everyone gets when a few guys take center stage, and their melodious voices and strings of angels lull the children into golden slumber on the notes of Gordon Lightfoot.
I think I miss them, I know I miss them, and the joy of being immersed in so many people. You don't have to talk much when 70 people all have something to say. You can just relax and enjoy it, feel the embrace of all these people who accept you, no matter what. We're not all blood, but we're all family, and the feeling of being connected to all of them, of standing in a room full of people and seeing a glowing thread from your heart to the hearts all around you, is so rare, something to be cherished.
Sometimes I talk too much, and I miss when I'm around them and can be silent.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
I'm going to ignore the word "pester" because it has a negative connotation and declares the "good or bad" irrelevant.
My family has been on my mind recently. My very vast, extensive family, and whenever I talk about them people always ask "Are you Mormon?" No, friends, my family is not Mormon - they're Catholics and Mennonites. If you're not real knowledgeable on the Christian scene, you'd say they are pretty much the same thing. They're not, but they do like to have lots of kids.
My family has had strange encounters with Christianity - my uncle was studying to be priest but left and refuses to go to church or talk about the faith, and my aunt used to be a nun, but is now married with lots of grandchildren and is still involved in her local church. When I came out, I had some people react well and some react poorly. A distant aunt or second cousin or something is also gay, but she was disowned, though I still get a Christmas letter from her and her partner.
Lately I've been having dreams of my extended family in the forms of videotapes. Like, I'm watching a home movie (that I've never seen in waking life) with scenes of me as a baby surrounded by this huge family, all laughing and talking and drinking and playing The Beatles and Johnny Cash on guitar. It's this din of tons of voices all mixing together, bottles clinking and children giggling, and the sleepy look everyone gets when a few guys take center stage, and their melodious voices and strings of angels lull the children into golden slumber on the notes of Gordon Lightfoot.
I think I miss them, I know I miss them, and the joy of being immersed in so many people. You don't have to talk much when 70 people all have something to say. You can just relax and enjoy it, feel the embrace of all these people who accept you, no matter what. We're not all blood, but we're all family, and the feeling of being connected to all of them, of standing in a room full of people and seeing a glowing thread from your heart to the hearts all around you, is so rare, something to be cherished.
Sometimes I talk too much, and I miss when I'm around them and can be silent.
Nov 9, 2012
Day 18 Better Me
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
The person I wish I could be or the person I wish I would be? I wish I could be a professional volleyball player, but I'm super short, have a sports injury to one knee and didn't start playing volleyball until junior high. I also wish I could be a violinist, but I've never picked up a violin, can't afford one and I'm pretty sure you have to start before you are five.
But the person I wish I would be, that's totally different. I wish I was more passionate and pushed myself to do the things I enjoy as a career. Whether it's singing, writing, theater, driving, photography, I think life would be easier if I truly loved what I do to earn to money for myself and my family. I wish I would be a better person, a more social person, a nicer person, a more forgiving and tolerant person.
I wish I would go to school to be a racecar driver because I would be really good at that.
These are all things I can change about myself. These are all things I can push myself to be if I really want to, if I have the motivation. But when I work 14-20 hour days and I'm exhausted when I come home and tired when I wake up, I just don't have the time or energy. I guess I could stop writing, but then I would just go crazy, and nobody wants that :)
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
The person I wish I could be or the person I wish I would be? I wish I could be a professional volleyball player, but I'm super short, have a sports injury to one knee and didn't start playing volleyball until junior high. I also wish I could be a violinist, but I've never picked up a violin, can't afford one and I'm pretty sure you have to start before you are five.
But the person I wish I would be, that's totally different. I wish I was more passionate and pushed myself to do the things I enjoy as a career. Whether it's singing, writing, theater, driving, photography, I think life would be easier if I truly loved what I do to earn to money for myself and my family. I wish I would be a better person, a more social person, a nicer person, a more forgiving and tolerant person.
I wish I would go to school to be a racecar driver because I would be really good at that.
These are all things I can change about myself. These are all things I can push myself to be if I really want to, if I have the motivation. But when I work 14-20 hour days and I'm exhausted when I come home and tired when I wake up, I just don't have the time or energy. I guess I could stop writing, but then I would just go crazy, and nobody wants that :)
Nov 8, 2012
Day 17 Childhood
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
I feel like all I do is talk about my childhood. You've heard about my childhood friends, about Ladybug, even briefly about the giant, mean kid down the street who used to beat me up. I spent a fair amount of my formative years crying before I learned that if he chucked a hammer at me I could throw it back and it would hurt him just as bad.
 |
| Cul-de-sac |
When the days grew long, we ate dinner outside in the street and told ghost stories in the twilight. We played Kick the Can and Ghost in the Graveyard in the darkness. And then, when we got exhausted, we would pull out our sleeping bags and lawn chairs and set up camp in the road and watch for shooting stars in the clear, crisp sky and awake with dew on our faces. Or we'd awake in our beds, if it got particularly cold and our parents came to get us.
Once in a while the coyotes or mountain lions would come around out of curiosity, and we would all freak out. Coyotes are better, louder from further away, so we could scream and run into the nearest person's house and they get more scared of us than we are of them. No one ever got bit by either animal.
 |
| Milky Way from Mount Pinos - not my small mountain, but a similar view. |
I think that's what I miss most.
Day 16 Driving Lessons
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
This one is boring and vague so I'm boycotting. I know I'm technically off by one day, but I'll try to post later "today" to make it up. The reason I'm off is because I went to go visit the BFF! The drive takes many hours (as all drives do in California) which prompted the real idea for this post.
How to Drive Like a Californian - a humorous but not entirely advisable take from an actual Californian's point of view.
I take no responsibility for anyone who actually follows this post as real driving guidelines.
1. Whatever the speed limit is on a freeway, that's not what you're supposed to be going. The courtesy is 4-8 miles over. Any more than that and you're dangerous and attract attention, any less than that and you're holding the rest of us up, babe.
2. Right turn on red. If you sit there through an entire red light and you have an opening to turn and don't take it, someone behind you will honk and it will scare the hell out of you and you will spill coffee all over your nice shirt and your day will suck. If you get this rule down, CA drivers will love you.
3. Some of our more rural freeways and roads require you to play chicken with oncoming traffic in order to pass. This is legal only when the center line is dotted. I'm very good at this game - the goal is to pass the car in front of you without crashing. Play it safe.
4. Don't buy a jeep. People in jeeps can't remember how to get out of the fast lane when they are going slower than the person coming up behind them. Remember how to get out of the fast lane when other people are faster than you. The fast lane is the left one.
5. If you're having a time accelerating to the appropriate 77 mph on a 70 mph freeway, turn off the overdrive on your automatic transmission vehicle. If you're in a manual, learn how to drive stick better.
6. When a cop pulls out behind you, do not go five-ten miles under the speed limit. You will just piss the nice copper off, bottleneck traffic, and then get pulled over and questioned for being old/stoned/illegal. You don't want any of that.
7. Ask people nicely, aloud, to move out of your way and they probably will. If they don't, then it's okay to mutter bad things. But remember, if you start with negative carma, the only person negatively affected is you.
8. If it rains, freak out like the world is ending. Once you can do this you will be a true California driver.
:)
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
This one is boring and vague so I'm boycotting. I know I'm technically off by one day, but I'll try to post later "today" to make it up. The reason I'm off is because I went to go visit the BFF! The drive takes many hours (as all drives do in California) which prompted the real idea for this post.
How to Drive Like a Californian - a humorous but not entirely advisable take from an actual Californian's point of view.
I take no responsibility for anyone who actually follows this post as real driving guidelines.
1. Whatever the speed limit is on a freeway, that's not what you're supposed to be going. The courtesy is 4-8 miles over. Any more than that and you're dangerous and attract attention, any less than that and you're holding the rest of us up, babe.
2. Right turn on red. If you sit there through an entire red light and you have an opening to turn and don't take it, someone behind you will honk and it will scare the hell out of you and you will spill coffee all over your nice shirt and your day will suck. If you get this rule down, CA drivers will love you.
3. Some of our more rural freeways and roads require you to play chicken with oncoming traffic in order to pass. This is legal only when the center line is dotted. I'm very good at this game - the goal is to pass the car in front of you without crashing. Play it safe.
4. Don't buy a jeep. People in jeeps can't remember how to get out of the fast lane when they are going slower than the person coming up behind them. Remember how to get out of the fast lane when other people are faster than you. The fast lane is the left one.
5. If you're having a time accelerating to the appropriate 77 mph on a 70 mph freeway, turn off the overdrive on your automatic transmission vehicle. If you're in a manual, learn how to drive stick better.
6. When a cop pulls out behind you, do not go five-ten miles under the speed limit. You will just piss the nice copper off, bottleneck traffic, and then get pulled over and questioned for being old/stoned/illegal. You don't want any of that.
7. Ask people nicely, aloud, to move out of your way and they probably will. If they don't, then it's okay to mutter bad things. But remember, if you start with negative carma, the only person negatively affected is you.
8. If it rains, freak out like the world is ending. Once you can do this you will be a true California driver.
:)
Nov 7, 2012
Day 15 Missing
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
If I'm going to be honest with you, really honest, it's hard not to make it all come back to first:girl. I think until I fall in love she's the only romantic trauma I've got. She's the only relationship I delved into headfirst and didn't want to come up for air. I have no other experience with that intensity to compare it with, so who else am I supposed to miss?
My best friends? My dead relatives? The brothers I see once a year or the sister I see once every 2 or 3? How can I miss them more than I miss being in love with her? How can they compare to feeling complete? How can you possibly miss something more than the ache of being touched all the time in the smallest of ways?
Hours. The longest I went without a gentle caress, a steadying hand, a reassuring palm to the small of my back - might have been a few hours. Now it's days, or weeks. Weeks without a loving touch, a gentle kiss of fingers against my cheek. The lack of touch could make anyone wither, could make anyone go insane with wanting, with missing.
I try not to think about it. I can stand on my own two feet. I can wait for the right person. I'm not desperate or fragile or crazy enough to beg like a kitten arching between someone's feet for affection. I want feelings first.
But I miss all the touches.
Just as an update because I've gotten an influx of comments and emails about my ex from Day 7: I don't want that ex back; I know I talk about her a lot but I don't want first:girl back. I miss things about my relationships with each of them, sure, but because those are happy memories. Relationships end for a reason, and each has given me an opportunity to learn, grow, and become a better person. So, when you ask me what I'm going to do to get her back -
Nothing. My past relationships aren't right for who I am now. And if you're trying to get someone back, maybe you need to look at how the two of you have changed and see if you can still forge that connection and be what the other wants and needs.
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
If I'm going to be honest with you, really honest, it's hard not to make it all come back to first:girl. I think until I fall in love she's the only romantic trauma I've got. She's the only relationship I delved into headfirst and didn't want to come up for air. I have no other experience with that intensity to compare it with, so who else am I supposed to miss?
My best friends? My dead relatives? The brothers I see once a year or the sister I see once every 2 or 3? How can I miss them more than I miss being in love with her? How can they compare to feeling complete? How can you possibly miss something more than the ache of being touched all the time in the smallest of ways?
Hours. The longest I went without a gentle caress, a steadying hand, a reassuring palm to the small of my back - might have been a few hours. Now it's days, or weeks. Weeks without a loving touch, a gentle kiss of fingers against my cheek. The lack of touch could make anyone wither, could make anyone go insane with wanting, with missing.
I try not to think about it. I can stand on my own two feet. I can wait for the right person. I'm not desperate or fragile or crazy enough to beg like a kitten arching between someone's feet for affection. I want feelings first.
But I miss all the touches.
Just as an update because I've gotten an influx of comments and emails about my ex from Day 7: I don't want that ex back; I know I talk about her a lot but I don't want first:girl back. I miss things about my relationships with each of them, sure, but because those are happy memories. Relationships end for a reason, and each has given me an opportunity to learn, grow, and become a better person. So, when you ask me what I'm going to do to get her back -
Nothing. My past relationships aren't right for who I am now. And if you're trying to get someone back, maybe you need to look at how the two of you have changed and see if you can still forge that connection and be what the other wants and needs.
Nov 5, 2012
Day 14 Drifting
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
When I was two years old, my best friend moved into the house next door. She was the coolest kid around. She would beat up the mean boy down the street for me. We would sled down the muddy hill, watch Xena and Hercules after school (you know, with Lucy Lawless and Kevin Sorbo), spend all day in the back room with jolly ranchers and a Tremors marathon (so many Kevin Bacon jokes), or start up our own Jedi training academy.
She had a little sister too, and she's who I would play barbies or dress up with, but most of the time I was outside rock climbing with my best friend. We lived right next to the river, and would swim for miles up or down stream.
Anyway, she was a badass. But two weeks after she graduated from high school, she eloped and moved away. Not that I really minded, I mean, it sucked that she never told me what was going on or included me in the whole shebang, but she was always a private person when it came to feelings, so I wasn't really that hurt. Even so, I still had two more years of high school to go, so while she moved on and away, I was stuck doing the same old thing, except without her.
We talk online sometimes, send each other cards. I see pictures of her kids occasionally, but I've never met them. I thought I was going to be more involved in her life, but now I hardly know anything about the person she's become. If she ever needs me, I'm there. Until then, we're just drifting.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
When I was two years old, my best friend moved into the house next door. She was the coolest kid around. She would beat up the mean boy down the street for me. We would sled down the muddy hill, watch Xena and Hercules after school (you know, with Lucy Lawless and Kevin Sorbo), spend all day in the back room with jolly ranchers and a Tremors marathon (so many Kevin Bacon jokes), or start up our own Jedi training academy.
She had a little sister too, and she's who I would play barbies or dress up with, but most of the time I was outside rock climbing with my best friend. We lived right next to the river, and would swim for miles up or down stream.
Anyway, she was a badass. But two weeks after she graduated from high school, she eloped and moved away. Not that I really minded, I mean, it sucked that she never told me what was going on or included me in the whole shebang, but she was always a private person when it came to feelings, so I wasn't really that hurt. Even so, I still had two more years of high school to go, so while she moved on and away, I was stuck doing the same old thing, except without her.
We talk online sometimes, send each other cards. I see pictures of her kids occasionally, but I've never met them. I thought I was going to be more involved in her life, but now I hardly know anything about the person she's become. If she ever needs me, I'm there. Until then, we're just drifting.
Nov 4, 2012
Day 13 Forgiveness
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
I guess we're back to midnight posts. Who the hell came up with these? I feel like I'm in therapy.
Okay, so remember that roommate I was half in love with my first year of college? Right before the summer everything I knew came crashing down? I was a bitch to her. On her birthday. Not my finest moment.
She'd been chasing after this guy and I didn't want them to get together (I really liked her) so after a few rounds of some drinking game involving vodka, our close friend from out of town called and this really hilarious, loud, drunk guy put her on speakerphone. She was talking to everyone and saying happy birthday, and the guy my roommate was crushing on said something. That prompted loud drunk guy to introduce him as my roommate's new boyfriend as of the last few weeks.
I was drunk - I was hurt. It was her birthday, so I tried not to make a scene and let myself out the front door and walked around the block. I slid down the side of a car and began to cry. One of our friends, Mike - this really sweet, quiet guy, had followed me outside and sat down next to me. I bawled, cursing my roommate, calling her horrible things because she hadn't even had the decency to tell me. She was sneaking around with him because she didn't trust me, didn't consider me a friend. The ultimate betrayal.
Yeah, I can over dramatic when I'm trashed.
Anyway, she had followed me out to apologize and heard all the awful things I said about her on her birthday, so when I tried to make amends she was having none of it. We've never spoken again.
She's getting married now, to some other guy. I'm sad that I lost a great friend over something so idiotic. I wish I would've kept my mouth shut. I wish she could forgive me.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
I guess we're back to midnight posts. Who the hell came up with these? I feel like I'm in therapy.
Okay, so remember that roommate I was half in love with my first year of college? Right before the summer everything I knew came crashing down? I was a bitch to her. On her birthday. Not my finest moment.
She'd been chasing after this guy and I didn't want them to get together (I really liked her) so after a few rounds of some drinking game involving vodka, our close friend from out of town called and this really hilarious, loud, drunk guy put her on speakerphone. She was talking to everyone and saying happy birthday, and the guy my roommate was crushing on said something. That prompted loud drunk guy to introduce him as my roommate's new boyfriend as of the last few weeks.
I was drunk - I was hurt. It was her birthday, so I tried not to make a scene and let myself out the front door and walked around the block. I slid down the side of a car and began to cry. One of our friends, Mike - this really sweet, quiet guy, had followed me outside and sat down next to me. I bawled, cursing my roommate, calling her horrible things because she hadn't even had the decency to tell me. She was sneaking around with him because she didn't trust me, didn't consider me a friend. The ultimate betrayal.
Yeah, I can over dramatic when I'm trashed.
Anyway, she had followed me out to apologize and heard all the awful things I said about her on her birthday, so when I tried to make amends she was having none of it. We've never spoken again.
She's getting married now, to some other guy. I'm sad that I lost a great friend over something so idiotic. I wish I would've kept my mouth shut. I wish she could forgive me.
Nov 3, 2012
Day 12 Sunshine
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
I don't really hate anyone. When I'm in pain it's a momentary thing. It hurts and then I learn from it, I grow, I become a better or worse person and how it changes me is up to me, and only me.
It's hard to be negative, to think about the past and people who have caused me pain, when my day is so bright. When my sheets remind me of a tropical, white sand beach; when the sun shines through my window and the aqua color is reflected in muted patterns on my walls. When I am warm under the rays of the sun, and it erases the chill lingering in my toes and seeps heat into my bones. When I can lay on the concrete and feel the rough, hot surface beneath my cheek.
I love days when I don't have to work :) and I get to see the best friend. Can't tell you how excited I am for this!
Also, have you voted? Go! Do!
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
I don't really hate anyone. When I'm in pain it's a momentary thing. It hurts and then I learn from it, I grow, I become a better or worse person and how it changes me is up to me, and only me.
It's hard to be negative, to think about the past and people who have caused me pain, when my day is so bright. When my sheets remind me of a tropical, white sand beach; when the sun shines through my window and the aqua color is reflected in muted patterns on my walls. When I am warm under the rays of the sun, and it erases the chill lingering in my toes and seeps heat into my bones. When I can lay on the concrete and feel the rough, hot surface beneath my cheek.
I love days when I don't have to work :) and I get to see the best friend. Can't tell you how excited I am for this!
Also, have you voted? Go! Do!
Nov 2, 2012
Day 11 Grief
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
I'm not going to write a letter. This is about remembering, connecting, and seeing the world as something bigger than yourself or myself. When you’re born into a large family, like I was, death is not uncommon. I’ve attended more funerals than I can count. But two hit me particularly hard – my brother-in-law when I was 14, and my grandfather when I was 18. Both were accidents.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
I'm not going to write a letter. This is about remembering, connecting, and seeing the world as something bigger than yourself or myself. When you’re born into a large family, like I was, death is not uncommon. I’ve attended more funerals than I can count. But two hit me particularly hard – my brother-in-law when I was 14, and my grandfather when I was 18. Both were accidents.
I wasn’t allowed to go to T’s
funeral. We didn’t have enough money for me to fly back east, since both of my
parents were going to support my sister. I understand the fiscal reasons, but
as a fourteen year old girl my feelings were bruised. They left for 12 days and I stayed with my grandparents on a
very cold air mattress wondering what his body looked like. He used to let me
braid his rat-tail. He wasn’t exactly the greatest person in the world, but for
some reason he had a sweet spot for me.
When my grandpa died it was sudden, unexpected and harsh.
We had been very close, had a very good relationship, and he was practically
a dad to Ladybug. So, when Ladybug and I were dragged into the court case
surrounding his death it was a little too much for both of us to handle. Luckily,
neither of us spiraled into drugs, but it took me more than a year before I
visited his grave. It was shortly after this that I came out and as for Ladybug, he joined the Marines. To each their own therapy, I suppose.
Grief is a funny thing; sometimes you think you’re done and
then it sneaks up on you out of nowhere and slams you in the gut. Or sometimes
you can be in the middle of it, and suddenly be blessed with an ordinary day
where you don’t think about any of it and don’t realize it until later. Grieving
is a journey, and when you can finally mention that person again without crying, you start to understand that life moves forward.
Since my grandfather died, my brothers and sisters have
given birth to four children with one more on the way. I can’t stop my whole life to
grieve for one person, or I would fail to interact with and love all these new people. And I wouldn’t miss out on them for anything.
Nov 1, 2012
Day 10 Friends
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
This is farther than I got last time, so go me!
Dear Adam,
I miss you. That might be my most honest sentence in this whole letter. It used to be that you needed me, or I needed you, and that need kept us close. But now you're engaged (congrats! I love her! Can I just take a minute to boast that if I hadn't made you fully aware of how much whats-her-face sucked you never would have met your beautiful, amazing, talented future wife? Chalk one up for me) and I'm doing well, and we don't need to talk like we used to, so we don't.
It's interesting that in all the years we've been friends, we've never gone out for pizza, or hung out at your house or mine, or gone to the movies. We don't spend time together unless we're ducking out of a religious activity, out walking or sitting at some park talking about our issues! You have to realize how weird that is, right?
Anyway, I've known you my whole life and just because our lives don't suck anymore (relatively) doesn't mean I want you to exit stage left. Who else is going to help me find the little dipper? Who else would talk me out of dying my hair yellow? You're important and I like having you around. Plus, my life is going to suck eventually and no one knows me better or can get me to talk better than you do (including best friend from Day 1 with whom I have a hard time communicating). You make me say what I feel. You don't assume and let things slide and let me avoid and I love that about our friendship.
Thanks for being there,
-
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
This is farther than I got last time, so go me!
Dear Adam,
I miss you. That might be my most honest sentence in this whole letter. It used to be that you needed me, or I needed you, and that need kept us close. But now you're engaged (congrats! I love her! Can I just take a minute to boast that if I hadn't made you fully aware of how much whats-her-face sucked you never would have met your beautiful, amazing, talented future wife? Chalk one up for me) and I'm doing well, and we don't need to talk like we used to, so we don't.
It's interesting that in all the years we've been friends, we've never gone out for pizza, or hung out at your house or mine, or gone to the movies. We don't spend time together unless we're ducking out of a religious activity, out walking or sitting at some park talking about our issues! You have to realize how weird that is, right?
Anyway, I've known you my whole life and just because our lives don't suck anymore (relatively) doesn't mean I want you to exit stage left. Who else is going to help me find the little dipper? Who else would talk me out of dying my hair yellow? You're important and I like having you around. Plus, my life is going to suck eventually and no one knows me better or can get me to talk better than you do (including best friend from Day 1 with whom I have a hard time communicating). You make me say what I feel. You don't assume and let things slide and let me avoid and I love that about our friendship.
Thanks for being there,
-
Oct 31, 2012
Day 9 Redux Nefertiti
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
There are a lot of someones I wish I could meet. Everyone from Michelle Obama to Tina Fey to Charles Xavier or Albus Dumbledore (yeah, I'm a nerd, leave me alone).
I wish I could meet Nefertiti. She still reigns as the most beautiful woman of all time and she lived thousands of years ago. Aphrodite's statues have worn and don't hold the same power and sway as they used to among the world population. But the bust of Nefertiti is still as regal and mysterious as ever, as famous or more as Mona Lisa's smile.
She raised herself up as a goddess among her people, she took unprecedented power, ruling as the Great Royal Wife but with status almost as a co-regent. She helped cause a religious uprising, shifting Egypt from a polytheistic religion to the worship of one deity, Aten, the sun god. She built a new city from the ground up and plastered herself across it. These images lasted thousands of years, and we know her history easily from all inscriptions she had of herself and her family carved into the walls.
About her reign there is little mystery. Before she became a royal wife and after her husband died is not as well documented, but we know much about the time between. The only things unknown are her motives. What could possibly have caused her to uproot her people and move them into a new city in the desert? Why would she have gone against the laws of Ma'at and destroyed her own religion? What was in it for her?
She intrigues me, delights me, terrifies me. I wish I could meet her if only to figure out what was going on in her mind.
-T
Interesting note: Of the 42 principles of Ma'at, my favorite is I have made none to weep.
Other translations have it written as "I will not cause the shedding of tears" but I don't think the wording is as cool. Can you imagine if we lived in a world where one of the religious promises was "I have made none to weep?"
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
There are a lot of someones I wish I could meet. Everyone from Michelle Obama to Tina Fey to Charles Xavier or Albus Dumbledore (yeah, I'm a nerd, leave me alone).
I wish I could meet Nefertiti. She still reigns as the most beautiful woman of all time and she lived thousands of years ago. Aphrodite's statues have worn and don't hold the same power and sway as they used to among the world population. But the bust of Nefertiti is still as regal and mysterious as ever, as famous or more as Mona Lisa's smile.
She raised herself up as a goddess among her people, she took unprecedented power, ruling as the Great Royal Wife but with status almost as a co-regent. She helped cause a religious uprising, shifting Egypt from a polytheistic religion to the worship of one deity, Aten, the sun god. She built a new city from the ground up and plastered herself across it. These images lasted thousands of years, and we know her history easily from all inscriptions she had of herself and her family carved into the walls.
About her reign there is little mystery. Before she became a royal wife and after her husband died is not as well documented, but we know much about the time between. The only things unknown are her motives. What could possibly have caused her to uproot her people and move them into a new city in the desert? Why would she have gone against the laws of Ma'at and destroyed her own religion? What was in it for her?
She intrigues me, delights me, terrifies me. I wish I could meet her if only to figure out what was going on in her mind.
-T
Interesting note: Of the 42 principles of Ma'at, my favorite is I have made none to weep.
Other translations have it written as "I will not cause the shedding of tears" but I don't think the wording is as cool. Can you imagine if we lived in a world where one of the religious promises was "I have made none to weep?"
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