Nov 30, 2009

Lost my Identity

The Butch/Femme dichotomy. The perfect relationship. The give and take between two fierce personalities, two extreme forms of beauty.
Why don’t I fit in?

When I realized what was going on with me, I read Mr. Sexsmith’s blog, and it made so much sense. I understood the struggle of power, the need to find my own identity, the love of topping, the admiration of femmes. But I’m not butch. I feel like a gentleman sometimes; I love to pay for dinner, open doors, pull out chairs for the beautiful woman who has my eye. However, if I am with a more emotionally masculine or dominant woman, I love to play to her longings, let her pull out my chair for me or tuck a stray hair into place. I love to catch her eye from under my lashes and make her feel powerful. 

On the superficial scale of butch and femme, I believe I don’t look good enough to go out of the house without mascara, even if I don’t put anything else on. However, I also hate dresses, wear heels only when necessary, and I don't like lipstick.

I want to fit into this beautiful power play. I want to be a part of this gender society where your partner helps your identity along and the power exchange is intense. Where you feel butch because of the way her body melts in your hands and her fingers flex against your back as you enter her. Where you feel feminine because of the way she protects you, the way she envelopes you and makes it safe to be fragile. 

I think it would help if I had sex. With somebody. Anybody. I always thought that when people figure out they are gay they experiment, they have relationships, they have sex, they figure out what they want in the sexual aspect of the relationship. Top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, whatever.

It seems all I do is fall hard for women who don’t want me for one reason or another. I’m a floundering baby dyke in a world where no one believes I’m gay because I’ve never had sex or a relationship. How does a girl who has never had a relationship with a man know that they are straight? Because of who they fall in love with, right?

I’m gay. I’m just a fish out of water. I am an inexperienced 13 year old surrounded by women who have gone through hell and heartbreak.

I am so out of my league here.


  1. oh, man. this is an amazing first post.
    I think for a lot of us who feel like they don't necessarily fit into one more than the other, it's all about each specific relationship. you may be more butch with one gf and more femme with another. it's ever changing.
    it's definitely a struggle. yet it's one that brings good things and knowledge.
    hang in there. someday it'll all make sense. right? hopefully.

  2. So I'm a little late to commenting on this intro post LOL

    I agree with lesbo....this was an amazing first post.

    I never had sex with a man but always knew I was a lesbian. For me there was just never any attraction towards men other than friendship. With girls/females it was totally different. I would get that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling when I saw someone I was attracted to.

    As for figuring out who I was....I was always femme. I love getting dressed up, throwing on a pair of heels, some make up, doing my hair, etc.. As for who I'm attracted's all about the connection and how you feel with that person to me. Though I will admit the girls/ladies I date are all feminine. However just cause they're feminine doesn't mean some of them don't like to do the things you said..

    "pay for dinner, open doors, pull out chairs"

    I think as you begin to date you discover more about yourself, your desires and what you're looking for. You just have to be patient and give yourself time.

    Since this post was in 2009 maybe you've discovered that by now. I have a lot of catching up to do :)
    Kara XO