Can fear actually make you a more confident person? Can you be so afraid that you put on a brave face, and through that facade become a more courageous person?
I'm not suave and charming, and I have no idea how to woo the woman I want to be with. And honestly, she is going through a rough breakup right now and probably doesn't want to be wooed. Whilst I'm discovering women for the first time, she is discovering men. However, this doesn't mean that I am not cute and coy and a little sly.
Is it because I am afraid to tell her outright that I am interested and have her reject me? Or is it because I know she likes women who are more femme than her and I want to make her feel good by playing to her strengths?
Is one reason any better than the other?
I am afraid to go to sleep. I don't have nightmares. I have the exact opposite. Beautiful dreams of love, sex, relationships. Such real dreams that I can feel her skin, the heat of her breath, can hear the pound of her heart. Different, exquisite women every night. And then I wake up, and I am alone.
I'm alone in the supermarket when lesbians don't recognize that I'm gay. I'm alone at the register when the man behind the counter is chatting me up and I can't help but notice that the woman standing by the ice cream has the most beautiful mouth.
I can take it every day as long as I don't have those dreams. Those dreams that remind me what it is like to lay my head in [first:girl]'s lap and have her run her fingers through my hair. They remind me that I no longer see the woman who used to simultaneously hold me and make fun of me as I cry over an episode of L Word.
Fear is a constant. Trying to hide your fear is a constant. It's all constant. Stagnant. There has to be a way to break the cycle and create something new.
I am a good person. I am cute, sweet, smart, caring, warm, comforting, and have just a touch of sensuality. I'm beautiful. I'm all soft curves and a sweet face with big brown eyes and soft hair. I should be good at this. I should be able to walk into a bar and have everyone jump at the chance to take me home.
But for whatever reason, I'm too scared to walk into that bar.
It takes time but you'll do it one day.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 16 I joined a lesbian support group and discovered it was exactly what I needed. It helped me overcome most of my fears and I ended up meeting my first gf there to. We dated for 2 years until she moved for school.
And from what you described you have beautiful qualities. You'll definitely find someone who will sweep you of your feet (or you'll sweep them off theirs) one of these day.
Just keep searching..you'll find what you're looking for before you know it :)
Kara XO
Thank you :) I've dated since I wrote this, but never as intensely, never as fully as the first time. These fears haven't quite gone away, but they've quieted. I'm more comfortable with who I am and what I have to offer :)
DeleteI live in the country, and the closest lesbian support group is over an hour away. I've thought about joining, but then I started a blog instead :P I love the online support, the community and family that builds up around us through online connections.