As if the fates wanted to prove my point for me, today is m:girl's birthday. Twenty ninth.
Last night I had this terrific and somewhat explicit dream, but there was one aspect of it that was slightly bewildering. I was writing in a journal on a blanket amongst the grass, and I was with an older woman. She complained of feeling tired, and laid down by my side, curling into me under another blanket. I made the first move, and she willingly kissed me back, melting into me and under me with a beauty I had never experienced before. Without being too detailed and explicit, we made love. (And, oh my gosh she had a piercing that drove me wild.)
After it was over, I looked up and she was one of my acting professors from college. Granted, this particular professor is a gorgeous older woman whom I love and admire very much, but I love and admire her with an unprecedented respect that makes a sexual desire for her out of the question. She hadn't turned into another person, I just hadn't recognized her face before we made love. That is the start of our relationship, glowing with satisfaction on an old picnic blanket in the middle of a field of green grass.
The scene moves, and we are inside a room somewhere (it looks like a spaceship), making a movie about her life, her sexuality, and the scene is set for us to make love. It is the same conversation we had before making love on our picnic, however, the blanket is gone and it is clear that we are on this spacecraft. Though they are the exact same words we said to each other during our lovemaking on the picnic blanket, they are now harsh, false, and ugly. In the end, I can't stand to look at her, and as I walk away, I wake up.
Now that I am awake, I feel ashamed for having a dream like this about someone that I feel should be put above sexual fantasies. I feel dirty for having dreamed about her that way. However, I also wonder about the shift in scene. I wonder about how all of the sounds she made in the grass could sound like the sweetest of music, but under cameras and lights could sound so false and wrong.
It makes me wish I had a therapist or dream analyst who could tell me what my subconscious is trying to say.
I'm by no means a therapist, merely an amateur dream interpreter. I've had some experience interpreting quite extraordinary dreams and most of the time I've found that more telling than the dream itself is how someone recounts their dream to me.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think your own misgivings about the subject of your dream manifested within the dream; your love-making with your college professor was beautiful, was earthy and real in the picnic setting. You took the first move, something you felt comfortable doing likely because she showed a vulnerability, saying she was tired. To be intimate, especially in dreams, is to be very vulnerable. That being said, I think it was gorgeous, both your description and presumably your dream-sequence.
The change of backdrop is not to be taken lightly. This is certainly a highly pivotal point of the dream. What's interesting to me is the definite contrast between the natural state of the picnic and the lifeless, cold, artificial state of this spacecraft world. You mention the dialogue is the same, but the feeling is all wrong. This, to me, mirrors your misgivings about fantasizing about someone in a position of authority, someone you held above sexual fantasies.
I would encourage you to consciously try to root out your feelings about this woman; to see why you hold her of such esteem, and why this esteem and sexual fantasizing is not compatible. I think that's what your dream is really about.. trying to reconcile a mental "hands off" approach with the context in which you know this woman.
Another thing which just struck me was the idea of the piercing. She may have mentioned it, you may simply be recycling this idea from someone in your past; but it is intriguing to me because it represents a small measure of artifice in an otherwise naturalistic setting.
Overall, a very very interesting dream. I hope you can find the time and the distance to rethink this sequence and discover more about yourself. Some people say dreams are just random things your brain throws together, but I disagree. Happy dreaming :)