Jan 9, 2010


It's been a while since I've really written about sexuality and gender theory. It seems that somewhere during the holidays I became very self involved and only wrote my personal issues, which was not how this blog was intended to be. Yes, it is about me, but it is about me exploring my sexuality and becoming more acquainted with the LGBTQ community and issues.

I'll admit I have been overwhelmed by the term "spectrum banging" (Yes, Mr. Sexsmith, I blame this piece of enlightenment on you). A few years ago, I had big boobs (which I emphasized all the time), long (blonde) hair, never left the house without mascara, equally loved jeans, blouses, and dresses. I liked to play dress up, and I loved to use my body to entice classmates into having dirty thoughts. I liked feeling sexy, liked feeling used (Read:CoDa).

Then, after I found out first:girl was not in fact falling madly in love with me as I was with her, I explored different ways of being. I started spectrum banging, which I'm just starting to figure out was a huge part of my underlying identity struggle. Since the me I was wasn't cutting it for first:girl, I did everything differently. I cut off all my hair, dyed it back to its natural brown, stopped wearing makeup, wore jeans and wifebeaters, never wore jewelry, and made myself as masculine as I could (without binding). That's when I started reading SugarButch, and found a piece of myself in his writing. That is when butch started feeling sexy. I found my love for femmes, and the deep traits of chivalry and respect. After reading for months, I then started to feel sexy and butch without needing the physical appearance, but it still just didn't fit. I think it was because I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing whatever I thought would get first:girl back. I tried this for so long. A year, maybe more? That didn't work either. She still didn't want me, and I was tired of trying so hard.

That's when my old habits started creeping back in. I still had short hair, but now I spent time on it, curled it, straightened it, wore a beret, whatever. I started wearing mascara every day, bought new skinny jeans and two pairs of converse to go with my shirts and tank tops.

During this blog, which has not been running for very long, you have seen me swing from one side of the spectrum to the other within days. I went from wondering if I was butch or femme, to wondering if maybe I should be ftm, to being full on femme for a week.

My hair has grown out to my shoulders now, I wear makeup when I know I'm leaving the house, and occasionally I'll wear a bra, or something that highlights my breasts. I'm not femme, but am definitely more on the feminine side of the spectrum. Do I still have butch days? Occasionally. Maybe more soft butch, or just butch in manner rather than appearance.

I can't say that I'm done spectrum banging, but I can say that I'm finally more comfortable in the middle, at least for a little while. For now I can be a homogeneous mix of the two ends. And wouldn't you know it, I feel a lot like I did before first:girl came along. I still can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet. Feeling like I did back then makes me uneasy. It makes me feel (and I'm embarrassed to admit it) less gay. Maybe when I started to change myself for first:girl, I also started to change myself to feel more gay, because (of course) being gay should feel different. That should be a load of crock, but it's ingrained in me to feel that way: that straight!me and gay!me should feel differently.

I'm still waiting for that unease to go away.


  1. spectrum banging. i like it.
    while i generally always feel femme inside, i don't always feel that i portray that on the outside.
    i think more often than not, i dress "in the middle". i wear my normal, minimal makeup but i dress in jeans and a top that's not always very femme. i play that "femme role" but i don't always appear it.
    sometimes i don't feel like those two always coincide but they just feel appropriate for ME. and that's ok. i'm getting better at accepting it and dealing with it.
    i'm me. and i love me. i know that whomever decides to love me, will love me for all that i am. i often get flustered with this and just need to remind myself.

  2. You're not alone, for sure... love this post.

  3. Love this post, however - I hate the labels, always have. I am not butch, I am not femme. I just see myself as a woman who loves women. I went to a dinner party a few weeks ago and blurted out to a complete stranger, "I am gay," and was asked, "but you don't look gay?" Is there a look? A distinct type? I often have my brain wrapping around these issues. Great post dear!

  4. Whatever makes you comfortable...that's how you want to be. Don't worry about being classified in any particular category....just be yourself.
    Kara XO

    1. I've found I'm most comfortable pretty well in the middle. I love my jeans and t-shirts and I also love my sundresses and wedges. I also HATE having short hair and learned that the hard way :) I'm pretty well back to the "old me" it just took some time to get here and learn to be comfortable with it.

  5. That's great...as long as your Happy :)
    This time of year I wear jeans a lot....granted most of my jeans are skinny cause I wanna look good when I go out LOL Throw on a halter, sweater and a HOT pair of heels and I'm good to go LOL
    And Sundresses & Wedges....My FAV thing to wear in the summer.