Day 3 Redux Parents

30 Day Letter Challenge

Day 3 — Your parents

I can't wait until we get past all these embarrassing letters that I don't want to post to the fun ones!

Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like without you. I know, that's a horrible thing to say, but I think you do the same for me. The choices you made would have been different. I think I trapped you, and you trapped me as well.

Mom, head to toe, I'm absolutely your daughter. You made me tolerant, open-minded, and kind. Because of you, I was eager to see the world, and jaded when it refused to live up to fairytale expectations. You fed me on hopes, dreams, and miracles, and when none of them saved you, you snuffed out the light of my world and threw away my pixie dust.

But I can't stay mad at you. You're the funniest person I know. You connect things in such a weird way that I never know what's going to come out of your mouth. You want to hang out with Russell Brand and you watch The Ellen Show like the world is going to end. Our fights are the worst, the happy days we spend together the best. No matter how we wish things would've been different, don't doubt that I love you.

You gave me my beautiful, bitter, sarcastic wit, you stripped away all thoughts that I could exceed beyond expectations. But deep within layers of armor, my romantic heart still glows with a small flame you no longer have. I wish I could give you that small spark of hope. For now I remain-

a jack of all trades- master of none.

2010 Day 3 Letter

Lez Get Real

Okay, I want to talk about something that I'm not sure many people talk about, mostly because it's a little uncomfortable.

Do you go the restroom in groups?

Seriously.  The whole taking-other-people-with-me-to-pee thing is sometimes necessary to avoid becoming a social outcast, but I have never felt comfortable with it.  The whole idea of someone being able to hear every move I make in a stall half an inch from someone else is a little creepy.

When I was ten my best friend liked to come into the bathroom with me (like the ones in our houses) and would fiddle around in front of the mirror while I tried my hardest to ignore the fact that she was there and simultaneously keep her talking so she couldn't hear me pee.

Those were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.  But I loved her in the way only best friends can (the sleep in the same bed for three weeks straight, borrow clothes so you wouldn't have to go home, and cry when your parents ripped you apart after a month and forced you to sleep alone in your own bed type of love) so I let her do whatever she wanted.

However, I still get bladder shy when I feel like someone is listening in.  Is this normal?  Men's public restrooms have urinals, no stalls necessary!  They just whip it out like "whatever" and it's fine, but if I feel like someone is within 30 feet all urge to pee just dissipates.

So lately whenever I visit my mom, I've noticed she'll linger outside the door of the bathroom when I'm inside.  She'll answer a text message or write a note or talk to herself or god-knows-what else, but I feel like I'm on Vomit Watch 2012.

Never mind that I've never enjoyed throwing up and my issues with anorexia are totally different than bulimia, but I feel as if she's purposefully keeping an ear out for me.  Which, naturally, makes it hard to find time to pee!  I don't care if she's my mother, I still have this weird aversion.

Am I nuts?  Is she really just there by chance?  Is she coming from a good and helpful place? (I don't doubt this one at all.)

More importantly, do you feel this way?  Or do you invite your friends into the bathroom with you and one person straightens her hair while you pee?  It's not about being naked.  I don't care if friends are in the room while I shower- it's the privacy of the act that I wish to keep intact.

P.S. Someone explain full parameters of NSFW- is it only sexual, or is it stuff like this?  Because I'm never sure but I thought I should give fair warning if you don't want your boss to know you're reading about some girl's insecurities about being in the restroom with other people.

Coda/Parents

Mr. Sexsmith wrote a post which got me thinking, and alphafemme wrote a response that moved something inside of me. She mentioned CoDa. It's a funny name, and I didn't know it existed. Co-Dependent. Which, I think it's safe to say that I'm not really a co-dependent, but I do have a few CoDa tendencies and habits that I think I need to break.

I do the gesture thing a lot. I buy my friends dinner, I bought all the pots and pans for my last house instead of letting all the roommates pitch in. I stay in harmful relationships too long, take sex instead of love, use sex to gain approval, believe others incapable of taking care of themselves. I take on all the responsibility in a situation and then collapse under it's weight. Over this last week, I've seen exactly where I get this behavior from, and that is my mother. She is definitely a Co-dependent, and she needs help.

Here's where I get lost. Is it the CoDa in me that wants to take on the weight of getting her some help, or is it the daughter in me? When does being a loving, caring person cross over into the unhealthy danger zone of CoDa? How am I supposed to recognize when those boundaries are crossed?

Nothing on the love-life at the moment; still sorting out all my thoughts. Also nothing on the road trip so far, as, well, maybe just because I'm lazy with that one :P

On the flip side, Happy New Year!