Special Days

Today was one of those special days.

The ones without any snot or tears, where your kid runs bang on into a wall and instead of melting down like she usually does, she shrugs and sits until she stops feeling queasy and then joins in again.

The ones where moms come up to me at the park and say things like:
"That's the first time I've heard a parent say 'Watch out for the person behind you,' all day. Thank you."
"Why you got like four kids on you? Either the redheads or the Mexicans aren't yours."
"Do you have Mary Poppins pockets in your dress? Where are all those water bottles coming from?"

It's the kind of day where I notice how far Mexican culture has come, because there were four little boys in colored skinny pants and converse and that never would have flown fifteen years ago. When I smile because Abuelo still uses a bandana instead of a bandaid, and little Crystal realizes I can understand her 3 year old Spanish as she begs me to push her on the swing.

It's the kind of day when "Mom," slips out more than my name and I remember that the kids fall into this charade as much as I do. When we laugh and make brownies and lick the bowl and learn to crack eggs on our foreheads. It's when a king size bed seems too big for four people because we're all piled on top of each other.

It's when she's in the bath and I come in to check on her. "Are Mom and Dad home?" she asks.

"Yes," I smile.

"Oh," her brows are furrowed and she's thinking. She doesn't seem excited or ask if she can rush to greet them. "Will you wash my hair?" she asks instead.

"Sure," I murmur and she leans forward for me and we don't discuss it further. She knows I'll stay until she's tucked in bed.

Perhaps we've all grown too dependent. Perhaps my life is too entwined with theirs. Perhaps when they hold me and refuse to let go, or read the bedtime books with my voice bound in each page when I can't be there, it is a sign we should all pull back.

But I've taught them how to ride a bike, how to make a sandwich, how to properly eat whipped cream from the can, how to do a handstand and make it across the monkeybars. The time for pulling back passed eons ago.

Gross Feelings

Premium fireworks view: armchair, footstool and music!

Gross! What are all these maternal feelings? Disneyland was a blast, of course, with my brother, his wife, and their 3 children- 12, 5, and 2.

My niece is very theatrical and loves to sing, hum, whistle, dance- you name it, she does it. It's very entertaining in line. We stood in line for a ride and an older boy (somewhere between 17-24) started to talk with her, flirt with her. She's almost as tall as me, and as it was nearing the end of the night, she had put her Minnie Mouse ears in my hair, making her look older than she seemed before, more like a teenager. He was downright creepy in his advances and it didn't stop once he learned she was 12, and finally we all stopped in line to do one thing or another and pushed her to the head of our group, effectively cutting off their communication.  The Minnie Mouse ears went back in immediately.

My older nephew is a crack up! He's in love with Princess Leia and likes to make everyone laugh because that means fun is being had. My younger nephew? He took to me like Sam took to green eggs and ham. I'm not sure if he remembered me from this past summer of if I remind him of his mom and dad, but he would not let go. My arms are sore from dancing with him and carrying him around the park. He shares my fascination for the stars and started break dancing (spinning on his head and all) at the Mad T Party at California Adventure.

I think my nephew would have more fun in a club than teenagers and 20-somethings

The 5yo. He likes to wear his hat backward :)

I work with kids constantly, and I love what I do, but I don't ever feel this tugging in the pit of my stomach. Maybe because most kids whine all the time, maybe because those kids view me in a workplace environment/relationship, maybe because my brother's kids look like little carbon copies of me- but there it was. That little knife twist as I held my five year old nephew in the last ten minutes of the hour line. As he brushed my hair out of my face so gently and said "There you go!" like he knew it had been bugging me - kissed my cheek, grinned like a devil, and then pulled it back out from both sides and over my eyes like a blindfold and yelled "Can you see me now?!" and started cracking up like I couldn't feel him in my arms.

It was there as I held him in the crowded square, with the fake snow falling around us, the last sparks of fireworks fading into the dark sky. It was there as he caught a fake flake and tapped it on my nose, in the awe of his smile, the gleam in his eye, the shared laughter between us and his sister. 

Post snow  - Merry Christmas from Disneyland!

There is a piece of my life that I may or may not ever get - watching the fireworks and laughing with my wife and child, the awe of raising such a gorgeous creature together and shaping him or her to be a playful, compassionate individual. Of course, I am twenty *mumblewumble* years old, so I have plenty of time before this ever becomes a problem, and having or not having kids is not a deal breaker for me. It was just a moment, an exquisite moment, bonding with a loving, awed boy over a shared experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Day 14 Drifting

30 Day Letter Challenge

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

When I was two years old, my best friend moved into the house next door. She was the coolest kid around. She would beat up the mean boy down the street for me. We would sled down the muddy hill, watch Xena and Hercules after school (you know, with Lucy Lawless and Kevin Sorbo), spend all day in the back room with jolly ranchers and a Tremors marathon (so many Kevin Bacon jokes), or start up our own Jedi training academy.

She had a little sister too, and she's who I would play barbies or dress up with, but most of the time I was outside rock climbing with my best friend. We lived right next to the river, and would swim for miles up or down stream.

Anyway, she was a badass. But two weeks after she graduated from high school, she eloped and moved away. Not that I really minded, I mean, it sucked that she never told me what was going on or included me in the whole shebang, but she was always a private person when it came to feelings, so I wasn't really that hurt. Even so, I still had two more years of high school to go, so while she moved on and away, I was stuck doing the same old thing, except without her.

We talk online sometimes, send each other cards. I see pictures of her kids occasionally, but I've never met them. I thought I was going to be more involved in her life, but now I hardly know anything about the person she's become. If she ever needs me, I'm there. Until then, we're just drifting.

Frustration

Another blog post, I know. I'm overwhelming right now. I just needed a space to vent after today.

I love my job. I'm good at what I do. I have a special bond with kids that allows me to help in ways their parents can't. I see them and understand them and try to treat them with respect and understanding. Most of the time it seems like I have magical powers. I can get through to this one girl that all others seem to have given up on, herself and her parents included. She's smart, witty, brilliant at putting certain concepts together, but she drags her feet.

Usually I can get her to do her work- today, though, today was just awful. Part of me blames it on the fact that I skipped out of the shower and left the house without any makeup whatsoever, as if some preternatural mascara would have made all the difference. I've never seen her so frustrated, so determined to pit herself against me, so ruthless in her efforts to free fall into a dive I know she'll never come out of. Trust me, once you have 25 missing assignments in one class, there's no way you're making them all up.

Today I felt bereft of my magic. I felt defeated and upset. I was exhausted and irrationally disappointed in myself.

I can't make her choices for her, I'm not even her family, but I care about her, and for her to push me away totally sucked. Also, I hadn't eaten anything because I was running late for work, so it wasn't until nearly eight o'clock at night that I actually consumed a handful of calories, which might account for some of my irrational feelings.


I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose this girl and watch her flunk out of school. Maybe mascara has no special powers, but I'm putting on two coats tomorrow in hopes it'll be a better day and that whatever is going on with her, she'll open up to me and help me help her.

Babies/Schooling

My sister had her seventh baby yesterday, which means that the past couple days I have been taking care of the other six while her and her husband were at the hospital. This has been an ongoing thing since she was pregnant with her second child, and it gives me a chance to bond with each little one while the parents are away.

This time was no exception. The youngest girl is adorable, and at only 2 years old she was the sweetest thing! (She also prefers to eat vegetables over both meat and candy, which I find fascinating!) I had a great time with all the kids, but am happy to come home and get some rest. However, this trip in particular opened my eyes to a lot of things:

1. I don't want to have loads of kids. And it's going to take a specific kind of partner to make me want to have kids at all.

2. My butt is way bigger than it looks in the mirror. My niece was videotaping and she panned past me just over my butt and I was not very happy about it.

3. Kids come up with the funniest phrases to not say bad words! As we were driving, a bunch of teenaged boys j-walked in front of us and so I said "stupid boys", but my niece blurted afterward "Stupid Apples!" which, of course, sounds like "stupid assholes".

4. New babies are adorable, but they only stay little for a few days. And then they get bigger. And eventually, you're going to have 7 teenagers and then life is not so fun.

5. Disney/Pixar movies are made for adults. It was my second time watching Up! (which still makes me cry; especially the musical montage near the beginning which astounds me with how much pictures and music can really stir up emotions in a person), and my first time seeing Wall-e which has a lot of political undertones and a lot of really beautiful things about love.

It also made me realize how much I really need to go back to school. I'm not going to be happy with any job I can get with a certificate from trade school. I need my BA. So, back to school it is.