Learning

What I learn from 13 year olds:

(or rather, what they learn from reading books, we discuss and then I learn about myself)

Be gentle with yourself- Being gentle with yourself means treating yourself with the same kindness, respect, and compassion which you give to others. It means positive reinforcement, rather than negative feedback. By being gentle to yourself, you create a positive environment within yourself, boosting your happiness, self-confidence, and daily mood.

-Don't expect perfection. Give yourself some breathing room. Nobody is perfect and by expecting yourself to be, you are setting yourself up for disappointment which will do nothing but bring you down.

-Keep the promises you make to yourself. Once you start breaking self-made promises, you begin to lose all faith and trust in yourself. Being able to trust yourself is crucial.

-Forgive yourself for your mistakes. This goes along with don't expect perfection. Look, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past. It's up to you to forgive yourself for it, to not be ashamed, to embrace all the pieces of you that make you less-than-perfect and say "hey, those pieces made me who I am." I guarantee you are going to find someone else with a mistake in their past, and you will find it so much easier to forgive theirs than your own. Don't punish yourself. Forgive.

I tend to be much more harsh with myself than I am with others. I've never thought of "being gentle" with myself until yesterday, and it was only when I was trying to apply it to someone else that I realized what a beneficial concept it was. I guess that's another not looking out for myself thing. I'll have to work on that.

Be gentle with yourselves!

Day 28 Changes

30 Day Letter Challenge

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

My fifth grade teacher was a bitch. She made me hate school and I started flunking out and not wanting to do my homework. I was a pretty great student before she came along, so she definitely changed my life. I could be a lawyer or a marine biologist, or a zoologist. Or a cop - I think I'd like to be a cop.

My high school drama teacher changed my life. He gave me a therapeutic outlet when I needed one, he got me into theater, which got me into college, he was the only person who noticed when my anorexia was getting out of control. He founded the GSA club at my school and convinced me that I should join, even before I knew I was gay, though I was a huge gay rights activist at 14.

He grounded me, gave me balance, gave me a safe space to scream and cry when my world was crashing down and then taught me how to rebuild. He could turn a drama class into a playground for two year olds, or send us drifting high above the earth like astral projection. There were no limits as to what our bodies were capable of with him. After college, he gave me a reference for a steady job. He looks out for me, he laughs with me, he tells me to cut the crap when I'm holding myself back. He's everything a teacher is supposed to be.

Frustration

Another blog post, I know. I'm overwhelming right now. I just needed a space to vent after today.

I love my job. I'm good at what I do. I have a special bond with kids that allows me to help in ways their parents can't. I see them and understand them and try to treat them with respect and understanding. Most of the time it seems like I have magical powers. I can get through to this one girl that all others seem to have given up on, herself and her parents included. She's smart, witty, brilliant at putting certain concepts together, but she drags her feet.

Usually I can get her to do her work- today, though, today was just awful. Part of me blames it on the fact that I skipped out of the shower and left the house without any makeup whatsoever, as if some preternatural mascara would have made all the difference. I've never seen her so frustrated, so determined to pit herself against me, so ruthless in her efforts to free fall into a dive I know she'll never come out of. Trust me, once you have 25 missing assignments in one class, there's no way you're making them all up.

Today I felt bereft of my magic. I felt defeated and upset. I was exhausted and irrationally disappointed in myself.

I can't make her choices for her, I'm not even her family, but I care about her, and for her to push me away totally sucked. Also, I hadn't eaten anything because I was running late for work, so it wasn't until nearly eight o'clock at night that I actually consumed a handful of calories, which might account for some of my irrational feelings.


I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose this girl and watch her flunk out of school. Maybe mascara has no special powers, but I'm putting on two coats tomorrow in hopes it'll be a better day and that whatever is going on with her, she'll open up to me and help me help her.

Ignoring/Holidays

So, every time I try to write about first:girl, I have a major block that won't allow me to write anything at all. Therefore, I just feel like I should not try to write about her for a while, until I can really get a handle on things.

I realized, through lesbo's comment, that I have never really talked about schooling before, which is kind of a big topic for me.

I am an alumni of a performing arts college, but have recently decided to give up that career path in favor of something else. I was never really a great singer/actor/dancer and I also rather enjoy watching other people perform instead of doing it myself.

That being said, I made the career switch to journalism. I would love to be a theater/art/dance/literature critic, as well as articles about society's positive/negative impact, gender studies, queer theory, etc. Anything I can write about, I want to write about. My major is Journalism, and I'm hoping to minor in gender studies or psychology. Or maybe something else I've never thought of! Let me know if you have a suggestion that I should look into!

In other news, the holidays are approaching quickly, and this is the first year that I've been single and aware that I'm a lesbian. I know that I don't do well with men. I don't trust them, I don't like to be sexual with them, and I don't really like to be in relationships with them.

However, I've had a few guys who were more than happy to chat me up and be suggestive with me this past week, and I have been so lonely that I honestly thought about making out with one of them. I haven't been physical with someone in so long that the thought of kissing anyone is somewhat appealing.

This, of course, has thrown me into a tizzy. Does it mean I'm not gay? Does it mean I'm bi, does it mean I'm straight, does it mean that relationships with men may now work out because I fantasized kissing one of them? Does it mean I still love girls but am lonely?Do I even care what label I am anymore? It won't make life any easier for me once I've found a label for myself. And who is really going to come up to me at a bar and ask me to identify myself before she'll chat with me?

I had this thought the other day that maybe I want to date girls because I was so in love with first:girl that I'm trying to find her clone. Then, of course, I remembered that I liked girls before she came along.

I think it's just hard to be lonely.

Babies/Schooling

My sister had her seventh baby yesterday, which means that the past couple days I have been taking care of the other six while her and her husband were at the hospital. This has been an ongoing thing since she was pregnant with her second child, and it gives me a chance to bond with each little one while the parents are away.

This time was no exception. The youngest girl is adorable, and at only 2 years old she was the sweetest thing! (She also prefers to eat vegetables over both meat and candy, which I find fascinating!) I had a great time with all the kids, but am happy to come home and get some rest. However, this trip in particular opened my eyes to a lot of things:

1. I don't want to have loads of kids. And it's going to take a specific kind of partner to make me want to have kids at all.

2. My butt is way bigger than it looks in the mirror. My niece was videotaping and she panned past me just over my butt and I was not very happy about it.

3. Kids come up with the funniest phrases to not say bad words! As we were driving, a bunch of teenaged boys j-walked in front of us and so I said "stupid boys", but my niece blurted afterward "Stupid Apples!" which, of course, sounds like "stupid assholes".

4. New babies are adorable, but they only stay little for a few days. And then they get bigger. And eventually, you're going to have 7 teenagers and then life is not so fun.

5. Disney/Pixar movies are made for adults. It was my second time watching Up! (which still makes me cry; especially the musical montage near the beginning which astounds me with how much pictures and music can really stir up emotions in a person), and my first time seeing Wall-e which has a lot of political undertones and a lot of really beautiful things about love.

It also made me realize how much I really need to go back to school. I'm not going to be happy with any job I can get with a certificate from trade school. I need my BA. So, back to school it is.