Dec 6, 2012

Bra Strap Thing

I can always tell when it's December because of the bra strap thing. You know, when your body is changing and your boobs are shrinking and all of the sudden you have to tighten all of your bra straps because they keep falling off your shoulders and it's really annoying? October-January is the time of year when I start losing weight automatically. I don't get much sleep, there's not much time to eat, and I'm running around working overtime at two jobs and stressing out. Packing on the pounds during the holidays has never been an issue for me.

It's also the time of year that people take lots of pictures. I'm going to admit, I take lots of pictures of myself and like having my picture taken. I think I'm pretty. I got complimented a lot as a kid and now I'm vain. Sorry, it's a flaw :)

When I was going through my serious bouts of anorexia, I used to keep picture logs (from what I've learned after-the-fact this seems to be fairly common). Instead of weighing myself obsessively, I would take pictures, measuring how small I could whittle my waistline. I have hundreds of these pictures I can't seem to trash.
Size 1/3, unhealthily. Eating less than 300 calories a day. Hips are still huge.
 However, no matter how much weight I lost, the bra strap thing would happen, but my hips never seemed to shrink in proportion.
Hips down to size small/x-small. Unhealthy. X-small pants are loose, sweater falling off shoulders. Arms too thin.

This is me at 108 pounds, a size one, still with some serious hips compared to the rest of me. I don't know what it is about my body, but that's just how it works for me. For an anorexic, it was seriously frustrating.

One year later. Less than 90 lbs. Pile of clothes are because nothing fits. Boobs are nonexistent. Pants are children's size. Sweatshirt is x-small and is far too big. A few months after this, I began eating again.
So, despite all the pictures being taken this holiday season, I have to make the conscious decision to not begin this unhealthy behavior again. It's one thing to lose a little weight because there's hardly time to eat and I'm so active, but it's another to actively seek out anorexic behavior. This is the time of year when my battle gets harder. I will fight.

But man, I still miss fitting into size zero jeans.


  1. Maybe it's just me looking at the pics but I think you look great in all of them.
    That outfit in the top pic...VERY HOT!!!!
    I love the top you have on in the 2nd pic to. Also in that pic are you wearing a choker? I like how it looks...was just trying to see what it was lol.
    And the 3rd pic....cute...Love it!!

    and I agree with are VERY pretty!!!
    Kara XOXO

  2. It's a black satin ribbon choker with a cross and a rose in the middle. It was for a special event and I changed into a dress shortly after the picture. It was a very "Van Helsing/ Kate Beckinsale" dressing phase. Thank you for the compliments, but I try not to think of the third as cute. It's when I was happiest with myself, but also when I was extremely unhealthy. Thanks for commenting, Kara :)

    1. Good Luck with the holidays, I know they aren't always the best for people even though everybody tells you they should be. I know it's hard writing about personal probs like this but sometimes it helps :)

    2. I love the actual holiday(s) when I'm off of work; being around my family, cooking, listening to Christmas music, seeing the lights at night and the frosty rooftops in the mornings. It's just the stress of the pre-holidays and all the over-time that makes it hard to eat. It can be hard to write about, but writing it down also makes it easier to stop myself. Plus, everyone on here is so supportive, so that helps :) Thanks.