I want to talk honestly. On four different websites this past week, the topic of anorexia has come up, and I've tried to throw my two cents in because hey, I've been there for a good part of my life. Instead of opening any sort of dialogue, I feel like I've been ignored, condescended to, and viewed as a fuck up all because of my anorexia. Now I just feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is listening. Good thing I have a blog :/
Let's start with the myths: 1. I'm fat-phobic. My anorexia didn't start because I wanted to be thin, and that's true of more than half of people with eating disorders. 2. I wasn't raised with loving parents. My family always told me I was pretty. In fact, they built up my self-confidence and independence so much that I consider myself to be a fairly vain person. I've mentioned this before. I love how I look. I love my eyes and my nose and my smile and my laugh and how smart and funny I am. Not an issue. 3. I need attention. No one in my personal life ever found out about my anorexia except for my drama teacher, so I think the attention thing is out. 4. It's a phase. I started food refusal in high school and I've been out for years. My life has stabilized, I'm more comfortable with myself and my paradigms and my world, but I still struggle with my anorexia.
One of the reasons I stopped eating was because my dad has a neurological disease. He regressed and started behaving like a raging alcoholic by the time I was seven (sweet one minute and would smack you the next) and morphed into a toddler by the time I was 19, and he actively pushed to instill in me this phobia that I was going to inherit his disease. My mother tried to keep me away from him as much as possible, and it's because of her and my other family members that I am so self-assured. But, this fear ate at me, and I felt helpless, powerless against my fate. I began failing out of school, falling into depression, writing poems about death and perfect suicides.
Then, I started restricting and refusing food and everything changed. Not eating gave me something else to think about, because hunger was always on my mind, and all my other worries went out the window. I finally had absolute control over something - over myself and my body and my fate. I finally felt free. I finally felt amazing. The depression stopped, my grades picked up, I was more social and exercising all the time.
It only takes a few days of me not eating to have a positive effect on my emotional climate, which is why it's so hard for me not to go back. It allows me to not worry about anything. It allows me to be in control. It's not that way for everyone with an eating disorder, but it's not just about looking thin. There's always something under the surface, so please don't brush it off like someone needs to be told they're pretty twice a day and their anorexia will clear up. It's hurtful and offensive, and eating disorders are about so much more than that.
Oh my goodness. By sharing an honest and first-hand view of anorexia, you are teaching people something new. Not everyone is truly interested in learning though - their loss.
ReplyDeleteI've not thought alot about the underlying reasons for developing it, but I am open to learning. Please keep sharing.
I think that there are so many pre-conceptions of what being anorexic entails that one person speaking out won't change anything. It's a horrible, helpless sort of feeling. Knowing that someone is actually hearing my words eases some of that feeling. Thank you for your beautiful comment, it's the sort of thing that makes me smile and keeps me writing.
DeleteTabitha,
ReplyDeleteI hope you did not feel that I was brushing you to the side on my blog when you commented. If so, I did not mean to make you feel that way. I did say that I wished telling her she was pretty would be enough, but that I knew it was not.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am new to this. I don't know how to approach it. And right now I am blogging from an outsiders point of view saying, I don't know how to help. And your blog, or any advice you could give is definitely appreciated. So please don't feel brushed aside.
I am sorry for the things that happened to you (with your Father). I cannot imagine how scary that must have been for you as a child and teenager. I hope you do keep sharing with us. And if you ever need someone to talk to... I'm here. :)
Heather, this post and my frustration were in no way focused at you. This has been building for more than a week, and your website/blog is not the only one featuring anorexia at the moment. Many comment exchanges with many people led to this point, and it's not anything to apologize for. Society views anorexics as shallow and fat-phobic and looks-obsessed, and it's something that people with eating disorders learn to live with rather than change. You don't see people with EDs shouting from the rooftoops about how their disorder is a coping mechanism and what the root cause is. You see them fade quietly into the background just as their bodies fade away.
DeleteI didn't feel brushed aside by you, but I did by many others, as well as out-right put down. I don't talk about my daddy-issues to gain pity, but rather for others to understand that anorexia is sometimes a way for people who can't deal or talk, to cope with their situations. Thanks for checking up, though :)
Oh thank goodness!
DeleteBecause honestly, I don't want you to feel brushed aside.... I'm grateful for your input!! If you notice everyone else on my blog who commented had no clue what they were talking about. We're all feeling around in the dark trying, while you have lived it first hand.
I really do appreciate you delving into the reason behind your eating disorder. I certainly see it in a whole new light.
I'm not even going to pretend to completely understand yet at a certain level I can relate. But for what it's worth ...
ReplyDelete*hugs
Understanding and listening may be two different things, but it's the listening that's the most important/wonderful. Thank you for the hugs, they mean the world.
Delete